#WhyILeft
By Josie Dudek, copy editor.
Nothing was ever perfect.
After years of being single, during my first year of college, I decided it was time for a change. I spent days, months and years trying to find that picture-perfect relationship I was longing for. I had this idea in my head of what the perfect relationship for me would entail, and ended up clinging onto anyone who showed the slightest bit of that in them. During my first semester, I clung.
I met a decently attractive guy in a class I was taking, and he more or less just wouldn’t leave me alone until I gave him the chance he so desperately wanted. So, I gave in, and started dedicating my time to deciding if he was worth it or not. Due to my emotional vulnerability at the time, I started clinging. But due to my receptiveness to bullshit, I clung from a distance.
I could tell from the start that he wasn’t a person who was actually worth my time and effort, but being single got old, and I wanted to give the whole relationship thing a genuine try.
The so-called “relationship” started out better than it ended, but by no means was it ever desirable. His chosen topics of conversation often involved sex, weed and past relationships, so discussions never really sparked well. Hobbies we both enjoyed never quite matched up, as well as opinions on most topics. So now you’re probably thinking, “then what was the point of being together?” The answer, emotional security and narcissistic manipulation.
He liked to think he was a master manipulator, but little did he know, I was two steps ahead of him the whole time. The difference between him and I, he prided himself on his ability to play mind games with people, while I hated myself for it. Sure, it was fun at first, but after months of back and forth, hanging on and letting go, push and pull, it was time to move on.
I decided to end things within my mutually abusive relationship. At the time, I didn’t realize what we were doing was abusive, but looking back, it definitely was. He boasted about how he could play any girl, while manipulation was just an unnoticed habit for me. This “relationship” was nothing but an empty use of time, but it made me realize my underlying manner was hurting my chances of a meaningful relationship. It also gave me the insight that although things weren’t “that bad,” they could have easily and quickly gotten that way.
After that, I promised myself I wouldn’t settle, and I didn’t. I dated around, but after feeling no connection by the third date, I would quickly end things with no hurt feelings. I’m more of a once bitten, twice shy kind of person.
It is immensely important to look for not only signs of physical abuse, but emotional abuse as well. Relationships should be a happy and comfortable safe place, so be aware of your relationship and the part you play in it and decide if it is what an appropriate relationship should be. Turning a blind eye is never the answer. Please look below for a list of statistics found from http://ncadv.org/learn-more/statistics and the number for a domestic violence helpline.
#WhyIStayed
By Aubrie Smith, copy editor.
On the outside, I thought things looked perfect. My ex and I traveled a lot, took millions of photos on top of mountains, waterfalls and on hiking trails. We looked happy and we tagged each other in cheesy Facebook posts. We seemed like the perfect couple.
I got addicted to it all. Our expensive trips out of town, or sketchy hotel room stays and $15 rustic campsites. I had never felt that in love, or that empowered. I wanted it to last forever. I had finally found a romantic, intelligent, attractive guy, and I was completely ready to spend my life with him.
Our relationship was never perfect. It started with cheating, and ended with lies. I got so caught up in the chase of it all, that I let my guard down. I let myself love again, and I let him destroy everything about me.
I consider myself lucky; I was never physically abused. There are some people out there who are, and continue to be blind, just as I was– they continue to be a victim because they love the person so much. This boy, he was clever. He hurt me with words in a way that left me hanging onto him—seeking his approval.
It started small. I laugh at it now because everyone says that getting a haircut is the first sign. Though, I suppose he didn’t make me do it.
“You would look so pretty with short hair,” he would smile, running his fingers across my scalp—so I cut my hair.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped eating. Again, nothing he forced me to do. But I was still competing with his ex– tall, skinny and beautiful. His words made me obsessed with trying to become her. It was a morning routine to get a text that they were hanging out for the day, and I just had to be okay with that.
He was still in love with her, and it was painfully obvious. He made it perfectly clear that if I asked him to see her less, he would have chosen her. So I competed. I changed. I pushed myself to be someone I wasn’t, and he loved it.
I still feel the need to defend him because I don’t think that he’s a bad person. I think that he loved being loved. He loved having that power.
We dated for about a year. He liked to remind me that love was something he didn’t feel for me. Every time I told him I loved him, he would say something like, “I’ll say it when I feel it.” That moment never came.
I think I knew things were bad when I found his journal. One day, trying to be a cute girlfriend, I pulled out what I thought was his spare notebook for scrap paper. I had always seen him carry it, jotting down lists when he remembered things. I pulled out this notebook in the wants to write him a little note that he would later read. But, what I found was something I only thought true in fiction. I found a notebook full of letters addressed to me.
I read over and over the letters. I read about how he never wanted to be with me, how I wasn’t his definition of attractive, how I was a game to him, how he loved the power and control he had over me and how I was unintellegent enough not to notice.
Even after reading the letters, I stayed.
I guess I was hoping to catch him in the act– to catch him slip up in his game. But really, I just talked myself into the fact that what I found was a lie. That he didn’t really think these things were true, he just wanted to write them down, to feel power in the moment of writing.
Months later he broke up with me. He left me, and I was distraught. I felt like my life had fallen apart because this man, who never even loved me, left.
I cannot explain how amazing it feels, a year later, to be strong enough to not miss him. One of the hardest thing a victim can do is overcome the impression left on them by the abuser.
I hope he grows. I hope he finds someone that makes him as happy as I have become on my own. I hope he loves again the way he loved the person who controlled him that way, and taught him to be manipulative. But I also hope he understands his actions. That my life was affected. And I hope he makes the changes accordingly.
I hope that there are no more hidden notebooks, no more unspoken words. I hope that he finds the peace that I have.
