By Sesa Graham and Heather Kittle
Suicide is the 12th leading cause of death in the United States. The month of September is Suicide Awareness Month. A month in which we bring forth this heartbreaking epidemic and take the time to acknowledge how painful and dreadful suicide is for anyone involved. This is also a time set aside to help spread information and educate those suffering and who might not understand. To increase awareness, the Delta Collegiate spoke with three individuals whose lives have been touched by suicide or suicidal thoughts.
The pain of losing a brother
Q: What is your name and age?
A: My name is Zoe Travis and I’m 24-years-old.
Q: What was your brother’s name and how old was he when he committed?
A: My brother’s name is Dominic and he was 18-years-old when he ended his own life back in 2015.
Q: When you found out, what were the emotions that you felt?
A: I had faced many emotions on that day. First of all, the police turned up at our house to say that my brother was really poorly in hospital and I started worrying thinking he had just self-harmed really badly and they blue-lighted my mum to the hospital (took her to the hospital in the police car). But then, when my mum got to the hospital, they told her he had tried to end his own life by falling from a six-story dilapidated mill. My mum phoned me to tell me this, and I couldn’t even tell you the pain I felt. It’s like I had lost the other half of me. I was crying for pretty much a straight eight hours, trying to find any way to go and see him in the hospital, but my mum wouldn’t let me with the state he was in. There were times when I felt hopeful that the doctors could save the blood that he was losing from his brain due to the puncture in his skull, but it was too late. I felt like it wasn’t real, like I was just having a really bad nightmare, and maybe if I woke up in the morning, it was all just a dream. But it wasn’t. I didn’t sleep that night. I didn’t eat for days because I just wanted him to walk through the front door. I felt numb for about six months after that day. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t laugh, I couldn’t smile, I couldn’t feel anything. I am still grieving, but I am much more open to talking about it and trying to help others.
Q: Would you say that there were warning signs?
A: With my brother, there were warning signs. He had self-harmed from the age of 13/14, and he had quite a few mental health difficulties from growing up. I was the last person in my family to ever see Dominic alive, and that will stay with me for the rest of my life. He had been sectioned previously due to his mental health, but as he had just turned 18, he was put in a psychiatric ward with people up to the age of 65. My family and I think that had a massive impact on his mental health during his stay due to the massive age gap. He had told us he never wanted to get sectioned again due to how it was making him feel, like he was in prison, even though he didn’t do anything wrong. On the last day I saw him, we laughed and smiled at each other, and usually, we would fight because that’s just the typical teenage relationship between a brother and sister at that age. However, on that day, he had asked me if the afterlife was better than life now, and I didn’t know how to answer. It left me speechless. So I replied “no” because I didn’t want to think he would leave us. And I remember crying that day because I must have had a thought that I didn’t know what I’d do without him. A couple of days later, specialists tried to section him again due to his mental health deteriorating again, and that was the day he had run off from them crying and ended up at the mill. My brother didn’t really talk to me about his feelings unless it was to do with his girlfriends because I always tried to give him the best advice.
Q: How are you feeling now?
A: I’m feeling okay, getting on with life, but since his death, I have been raising money for mental health and suicide prevention charities in his memory because it is not talked about as much as it should be. I have been challenging myself to run marathons to make him proud of me, and that’s what keeps me going. I’m lost without him, but it’s how I have to live my life now. I don’t really admit this to people, but when I see other people with their siblings laughing and having a good time, it makes me sad because I wish I could do that now with my brother. But then it also makes me happy for people with siblings. I’ll still have my bad days that will randomly creep up on me where I will just cry, but then I think of all the things I’ve achieved in memory of him.
Q: What is something you would want someone to know who is facing suicidal thoughts?
A: You are honestly never alone. There will always be at least someone out there who cares, if you’re having a bad day, it’s okay, and it’s definitely okay to cry. That’s something I used to struggle with, am I allowed to cry? Should I tell someone I’m upset? Most definitely. I have found it’s so important to talk about how you feel, you are not a burden, and neither are your feelings. Surround yourself with people who care about you because that’s all that matters. There can be days when you feel like you have no one, but there are so many people who care about you, and you just don’t know it. Sometimes suicidal thoughts can just enter your head out of nowhere, and you don’t know why, but believe in yourself that you can fight it off; you are so strong. If you can fight the thoughts off, you can fight anything off. One thing I regret with my brother is not being straightforward with him and saying I don’t want him to leave us, I was only 17, and I didn’t know much about suicide or mental health or how to get the right support. There are so many ‘what ifs’ that go around in my head, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I just have to make sure that no one else has to experience what I’ve been through and help others as much as I can.
‘The idea was always like a ghost in my mind’
Q: What is your name and age?
A: My name is Jared. I am 28-years-old.
Q: What led up to your attempted suicide?
A: What led me to my attempted suicide is a long stream of negative events that happened between when I turned 18. My home life was pretty uneventful. There was some minor abuse here and there. Nothing that I haven’t gone over already, but when I was in my very first real relationship, that relationship was very toxic. I was abused, and when I thought I was making all the right choices, we moved in together. Cut me out of my life with all of my friends, all of my family. This was all in my mind; it was just a lot of negative all at once, and I can remember up to the point of when I passed out. So I attempted suicide by hanging; asphyxiation. The reason why I attempted was because I felt like I had absolutely no other option but that this was the most positive impact I could have.
Q: Was it something you planned for a while or was it an “in the moment” decision?
A: It was definitely an in-the-moment decision. I wasn’t planning on anything of the sort for a long time. I mean, the idea was always like a ghost in my mind to kill myself, but I never gave it the light of day.
Q: Do you think you hinted to others your warning signs?
A: No one had any clue whatsoever. I didn’t give anyone any warning.
Q: How did the people closest to you act afterwards?
A: They were devastated. My loved ones reacted like loved ones should react. If it were a successful attempt, they still would never have recovered, I believe. Contrary to my belief then, I was very loved and very cared for. And that was very apparent to me when I awoke from my coma. It was definitely a relief to have that confirmation. I think if I would have known then that I would have that much impact on people around me, the thought of committing suicide would have never crossed my mind.
Q: How are you feeling now?
A: Now I am feeling like anyone else. I have my ups and my downs. There are negatives, but I know that the negative doesn’t last forever. I get the positives with the negatives, and I try to focus more on the positives than the negatives.
Q: What is something you would want someone to know who is facing suicidal thoughts?
A: It is not worth it whatsoever. Your life is valuable whether you see it or not. You have that choice. It is definitely your choice, but figure out that everyone else in your life will be devastated if you choose to fulfill that wish of yours.
Talking is the first step to healing
Q: What is your name and age?
A: My name is Beth Kidd and I am 33-years-old.
Q: How long have you been battling with these kinds of thoughts?
A: At least my mid to late teens, about 15 years or so.
Q: Have you noticed any patterns of when you are feeling like this?
A: Yes, so a lot of it is actually because I have PMDD which is premenstrual dysphoric disorder, so any depression, anxiety, negative thoughts, and stuff like that would become very relevant a week up until I start my period.
Q: What have you done to help yourself with these feelings and thoughts?
A: I have done a lot of self-reflection, and medication has been completely helpful, especially with the PMDD.
Q: Have you ever self-harmed in place of attempting suicide?
A: I have never attempted. I have planned it out thoroughly but never attempted it. As far as self-harm, I wouldn’t call it self-harm, but more self-sabotage, such as not taking care of myself because I didn’t care.
Q: What led up to you finally deciding to make a change?
A: The way I was parenting my child. I was being way too angry over things that I should not have been angry about. That is not the kind of environment I want to bring my children around because that is the kind of environment that I was brought up in.
Q: As someone who has struggled with depression, what are some noticeable symptoms that you may see in someone else struggling?
A: A big one is a withdrawal. A lot of the time, it’s not noticeable, and you have to ask someone because a lot of people do put on a front, and you don’t know that they are feeling the way they are feeling.
Q: What is something you would want someone to know who is facing suicidal thoughts?
A: It can get better with help, and people do care even if you don’t think they do. I know it’s hard to reach out and ask for help, see a doctor, or talk to someone, but it’s vitally important that you do.
Q: Is there anything else you would like to add?
A: I find it easier to deal with it by talking about it, and it’s a lot easier to process things when people know what’s going through my head. It may be an uncomfortable conversation at the moment, but in the long run, it makes things easier.
Suicidal thoughts do not discriminate. These thoughts don’t care about the status you may hold. It is patient and cunning. It can creep up on you slowly over time, waiting for the right time to strike. Or it can come at you from nowhere, taking you by surprise. No matter who you are and what you are going through, remember that there are people in your life that want to be there for you. You are not a burden, and you are worthy of the goodness in this life. You are never alone in this world, even when your mind tells you you are. You are good enough. Spread love, spread awareness.
Resources to Help:
Crisis Text Line: Text “HELLO” to 741741
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988
Help Through Delta College: https://www.delta.edu/students/counseling/index.html
