By Greg Horner, Informer.
A few days ago I was driving around in my rusted-out Chevy Malibu blasting “Little Drummer Boy” with tears streaming down my face… not tears of joy but resignation — it’s once again that time. Time for us to come together with our families, share in the grace of our Lorde and delude ourselves into thinking that we actually like these depressing, horrible months. I hope you like listening to that Mariah Carey song because that’s your soundtrack until the New Year.
The holidays are a time where we pretend to be happy because it’s too costly and too environmentally destructive to move the entire population of the northern United States to Florida for five months. It’s a pageant thrown by overgrown sixth-graders all suffering from clinical depression and general anxiety disorders.
Even though it’s going to be zero degrees out soon and the sun is already setting around 4 p.m., we have to keep getting out of bed to make it through our dysfunctional routines. Only now we have to do it with every storefront and T.V. station screaming at us to be jolly and happy and merry and dumb.
I was going to title this article “How to Survive the Holidays,” but as you can probably already see… I’m hardly the kind of person to be sharing that kind of advice. I have no idea how anyone survives the holidays; I’m the kind of person who blows through Thanksgiving and Christmas only to realize that it’s January and I’m even more miserable.
Maybe you like spending time with your family? That’s good – you’re a great liar – and you’re going to make a great advertiser one day. When I’m not busy suffering awkward silences with my crazy aunts and uncles I’m usually lying through my teeth.
“Sure, school’s great!”
“Yeah, I have lots of job prospects lined up.”
“Oh I have a girlfriend; she’s visiting her family in Greece.”
We gather around the table to consume massive amounts of food all in the name of giving “thanks.” But really we just want to binge eat after seeing cousin Donny soil himself while grandma pops another pill to chill out for the night.
I can handle the lying, I can handle seeing how pathetic my family has become in a year, but I can’t handle the unfortunate political arguments. I always bring an emergency fifth of Seagram’s to every family occasion – just in case Dad wants to talk about how excited he is for President Trump.
Then you have to start thinking about gifts! Remember how excited you used to be for presents on Christmas day? Well you’re an adult now, and when you’re an adult that means spending money you don’t have on things you won’t get on people you don’t like who probably don’t want it in the first place.
The whole thing is an exercise in excess. You’re going to be spending a lot of time in stores buying food, presents and best of all decorations. Oh! I’m sorry, you aren’t looking forward to braving subzero conditions so you can spell “Noel” in multicolored lights while an ugly Rudolph slowly deflates in the cold? Well tough. Our neighbors are doing it, and that’s the Christmas spirit!
The only advice I have for Thanksgiving and Christmas is to survive. Hopefully you’re 21 and have a healthy relationship with alcohol – if not: I’m terribly, terribly sorry.
Remember to keep your friends close (and maybe try doing what I’m incapable of) and be a little less cynical about things. At the end of the day if the stress is too much, go find a little relative and tell them stories about Santa Claus. It’s amazing how much better lying to a child will make you feel about yourself.
