By Greg Horner, Informer.
Looking forward to a yuletide informers corner? Well I’ve already talked about Christmas. Christ was born, he died, let’s stop living in the past. Today I want to talk about the future, about a new year. It’s almost Jan. 1 and you know what that means, New Year’s resolutions!
Unless you hate self-improvement, you love New Year’s resolutions. What better time is there to stop eating meat? Cut back on caffeine? Or write the next great American novel? New Year’s gives us the opportunity to learn from our past and improve it.
I’m keeping my resolution easy this time, for 2016 I’m going “to push it to the limit.” Awww yeah, what does that even mean? Who cares, I’ll do it everyday. I’m gonna bring peace to the Middle East and then take it away. I’m gonna live on the edge and die on the moon. Next year, I am not going to settle for anything less than the limit.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “Greg, your previous New Year’s resolutions ended in disaster.” And yes, my song of the summer, “Take it off and let’s get twisted,” may have been described by Kidd Rock as, “a disturbing insight into America’s gun culture,” and no, my repeated attempts at repealing the 19th amendment were not successful. But I achieved the best resolution a person can make – trying my best.
So many people struggle to keep their resolutions, but I promise that staying persistent is the key. There will be failures like my buddy, Dan Phlanston, who doesn’t have much time left in 2015 to make a million dollars. But you better believe that he’s going to be a hell of a lot more prepared in 2016!
The only advice I have is to keep it simple. Maybe trying to discover a new star is far-fetched, but what about a new continent here on Earth? Don’t just try to improve your sustainability, invent a machine that runs on perpetual motion!
Are you catching on to the pattern here? Is the joke sinking in yet? I told them, I said, “Guys I don’t think I can drag this resolutions bit any longer than five paragraphs tops,” and I was right!
But they didn’t listen, they just kept screaming, “More content, Greg! We want more content!” And I just yelled in their faces, “Content for whom?!” No one even reads this stupid column, and god knows none of you people showed up to my birthday party! I spent two weeks sending out all those invitations and several months trying to get rid of 2,500 “Getting Keggy With Greggy” t-shirts.
But in spite of all that, I stuck with it: I showed up to work on time, always greeted everyone with a smile and never started any shit. What do I get in return? “Oh Greg, how about writing something about New Year’s resolutions or something dumb like that.”
I used to have dreams, y’know? I used to want to be somebody. I was going to move to the city, find a job in advertising, find a wife and have two, maybe three kids. Today I have cable in my father’s basement, a non-existent girlfriend who won’t come home from Greece, two to three cats and the only job I have is writing columns about New Year’s resolutions.
With every new year I grow older, and my dreams move farther away but still I try with the resolutions; I try and try, and fail and fail. Each year I try to change and every year I fall short, knowing full well that I’ll never have the resolution to just be happy.
I don’t want to do this anymore, it’s so hard to see my reflection in the computer screen. I’ve got an easy New Year’s resolution for all of you, never give up on your dreams and always stay true to yourself…
