By Aubrie Smith, page editor.
Being a sexually active adult has brought many challenges into my life.
Though maturity has done wonders for eliminating most of the awkward sex conversations, it cannot eliminate all of them. And sure, it’s easy to have those conversations when you love someone, or feel close to them emotionally, but what if you don’t?
What if you just started dating someone, and things still seem weird. Sex is a confusing topic.
Something no one likes to talk about is their libido. No matter where on the spectrum you fall, a finger will be pointed at you, calling you abnormal.
The problem? No two people will ever want sex the same amount, and figuring out that middle ground in a relationship can suck—especially in a new relationship.
The first thing to know is that no matter where you stand, you’re healthy. Unless there has been a major swing in your libido, for a significant amount of time, there’s nothing to be worried about.
If you have a strong sexual desire, it can be difficult to date someone who doesn’t want sex as much. And if you’re on the other side, it can be really hard to constantly say, “not tonight.”
It always seems that someone needs to settle—but who?
One way you can measure this is by finding your “sex number.” Yes, I totally jacked this from Psychology Today. But, what can I say? It seems like it would work.
Finding your sex number is easy. Rate yourself on a scale from 1-10, “one” being associated with wanting sex little to none, and “10” meaning sex is something you constantly crave, whether you like it that way or not.
Then, and this can be the hard part, ask your partner what they’re at. It may surprise you. Maybe you guys are closer on the spectrum than you realized, and your timing is just off. Or, maybe you’re a 10, but they’re a one.
In either case, you need to talk. If there’s a big difference between your number and your partner’s, communication is key.
“So, now I know our numbers, but how do I bring up without making it awkward?”
This conversation should in no way be awkward. If it’s too soon to talk about sex, it might be too soon to have sex. Don’t ruin the possibility of a good relationship because of society’s pressure to have sex early on. If you want something serious with someone, ask yourself how important sex is at this step in your relationship, and if you both should take a step back until you’re comfortable enough to have those serious conversations.
If you’ve asked your partner where they stand on the spectrum, and you’re on the other end, try asking about the feelings of pressure.
There are a lot of people who would rate themselves as a 2 or a 3, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like sex, or that they don’t enjoy it. It simply means that they don’t think about it that often, and don’t crave it. Try asking them if there are ways to get them in the mood, or how many times a week they would feel comfortable having sex—keeping in mind that that would be a rough number, and every week is different. Communication and compromise are the goals here.
And if you’re the one at a 2 or 3, and your partner is a 9 or 10, remember that your “no” is valid. Ask them if their needs can be met in other ways some of the time. Try emotionally connecting more frequently, or physically connecting in a not-so-sexual way. Cuddling and making time for an emotional conversation can often be just as connecting as sex.
Wherever you and your partner stand on the spectrum, do not let your differences ruin something that you feel is a good relationship. Communicating well and connecting in different ways can eliminate a lot of conflict. Remember that talking and compromise are two things that every relationship needs. No two people are going to be on the same page on every issue, but remaining open, honest, and understanding can bridge gaps and allow needs to be met without conflict. And hey, maybe finding your sex number won’t save your life, but it could help you save your relationship from hardships.