By Lindsi Hebert, Staff Reporter.
THE WICKER MAN
Directed by Neil LaBute in 2006, Wicker Man tells the story of police officer Edward Malus (Nicolas Cage) who receives a letter from his ex-fianceé Willow (Kate Beahan), who mysteriously left him years before. In the letter, she tells Malus that her daughter is missing. Malus takes it upon himself to investigate, and finds himself traveling to the strange island called Summerisle, where his ex resides.
The island is a farming community focusing on fruits. There he meets Willow, and thus the investigation takes an interesting turn. The people of the island aren’t helpful, and even hostile in some situations, and Malus soon finds out that the islanders are a group of Pagans practicing ancient rituals to improve their harvest, complete with human sacrifices. Without spoilers, it’s easy to tell that this isn’t going to end well.
Based loosely on the British cult classic of the same title, combined with a little bit of David Pinner’s novel Ritual, The Wicker Man is one of those movies that just doesn’t know when to stop. The story itself holds up fairly well. It’s interesting, and has the basic plot points to get the viewer from A to B with only slight confusion.
Where this movie crumbles is the acting. Nicolas Cage, practically a B movie legend by now, has shown just how crazy he can get on screen. It’s a little disappointing, considering he’s won an Oscar for best actor in Leaving Los Vegas, plus another 45 or so other awards and nominations. It just seems that his zaniness breaks the movie into pieces, paving the way for laughter and mockery. Not something wanted in a horror movie, but perfect for a B movie.
Taking the movie at face value, it’s incredibly fun. All of the acting is corny, not just Cage’s. It’s cryptic, and some of the dialog doesn’t even make much sense given the situations. A lot of this movies problems start with a bad script. Generally, it’s a good rule not to base a movie off of a cult classic, because it’s not going to be taken seriously. This movie gets more ridiculous the farther it goes on. This is technically a horror movie, there is a bit of gore to it, but that is badly made so it doesn’t really count. Either way, this movie is perfect if you’re looking to have a Nicolas Cage marathon.
ZARDOZ
A post-apocalyptic setting, giant statues vomiting machine guns for savages to fight with, crystals, a so called “utopian” society, Sean Connery in bright orange underwear…What’s not to love, right? As far as B-movies go, Zardoz might really take the cake.
Written and directed by John Boorman and released in 1974, Zardoz starts out introducing a tribe of savage warriors as they battle. They are given weapons by a giant statue of a floating head. The main character, Zed (Sean Connery), crawls into the floating head and flies to a village of bored immortals who try to preserve humanity’s greatest achievements left over from whatever caused the end of the world. When Zed manages to transfer over, the perfect balance in the utopia is thrown away faster than an outdated iPhone.
Following the usual B-movie trend, there is more bad than good about Zardoz. Scratch that, there is nothing good to say about Zardoz. The plot is shaky, the characters are creepy and about halfway through it’s like John Boorman drank too much alcohol and just gave up. Looking away from the screen for thirty seconds will leave you lost in the plot abyss with no hope to crawl back out again. Zed, being a savage, has hardly any lines of dialog other than introducing himself as Zed.
That being said, this movie is hilarious. It has everything that you want from a “good” bad movie. The best parts about this movie are the worst parts about this movie. It’s fun to gather with friends, order takeout, and make fun of this film. The more drunk or tired you and your friends are, the better this movie will be. Everybody has to start somewhere. Sean Connery went on to be James Bond, John Boorman went on to direct and produce dozens of movies and documentaries, and if you’re looking to get your feet wet in the B-movie universe, Zardoz is the best place to start.
Author’s note: There is some confusion as to exactly what qualifies as a B-movie these days. To start, not all B-movies are indie films. In fact, most of the time indie films are actually great. Some B-movies start out as major motion pictures and just fall flat at the box office. These, however, aren’t to be confused with movies that are just garbage. It takes an accidental finesse to make a B-movie. It takes next to nothing to make a regular bad movie. Elements of good B-Movies generally consist of any (or all) of the following: Bad acting, terrible effects, sketchy plot, or awful costuming. Follow that little guide and you’ll be able to separate the bad from the truly B.
